What's a good status ?

If writing status messages for Facebook profiles were made a business (of course, of course, a secretive one), it would be LUCRATIVE! Obama, stop eavesdropping, we're not getting business outsourced from anywhere. I'm just talking about some casual side-business where 'specialists' wrote 'FB' status updates for the millions of people around the world, who spend at least 5 hours everyday just thinking of what to put as their status ! Then there is the scanning process to see if it is : 

a)funny enough (Chandler Bing, if only you were real, you could have made a fortune out of this business. MAD Mag writers & Vadivelu, you guys could still try)

Thought Bubble - So... I ate an orange today. How do I make it sound so hilarious that I will get at least 50 'LOL' responses, maybe 20 'Likes', atleast 15 "ROTFL" or "LMAO" or whatever. If I could get that cute guy in French class to notice me, it will be the icing on the cake. (Rolling eyes. But still). 

b)Offensive enough to all those it meant to offend. Sometimes picking up the phone and yelling at that jackass might help, you know? Nope. It has to go on my status message, and the other 3000 people on my "Friends" list (doesn't matter that 2950 of them don't even remember me from primary school or the 300 parties that I met them at, or the grocery store, or the wherever the hell it was I met them ! And, of course they may not even know the jackass, so what's the fun, really?)

c)Wild enough - You had better watch out, because employers these days check your Facebook page before they check your criminal record. And the first might be an indicator of the second, if you're foolish enough. 

Stan wrote - "Havin' a bitchin' time with Barbara. Another "Sex on the Beach", baby?" Stu fired him the next day - Barbara was his wife. And of course, those two got a divorce. 

I think the Status Writing business would really make a whole load of money here. It's just not funny how many people get drunk and put up status messages, not to mention, post pictures of themselves and all their bitches. I mean no partiality towards either sex, these days I see liberal use of the term "my bitches" for both sexes. So don't get all miffed with me.)
What were you thinking, you're Alan from "The Hangover" and that people will find you all funny? NO! you'll get fired ! So, just think if you could just have someone writing status messages that put forth your wild side as wild, but not so wild to get you fired? 

d)Wise enough (*cough cough* *Rolling Eyes*) - "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" wrote Stan after he got fired. Ya whatever, dude. Stop whining on Facebook and go get a life. Or, get a Status Writer to write it for you . He might add some zing to it. (*smirk smirk*, says Stu). 

e)Mysterious enough - These are the ones that I find annoying, but are a great creative canvas for a Mystery Status Writer. "It has happened", or "I hope to hell it happens" or ":) :) :) :) :)" You know... when I read these, I want to punch the person in the face and wipe that damn :) right off. Oops, I'm sorry. I'll take that threat back, I could really be a Mystery Status Writer. "Elementary, dear Watson". 

e)Random enough - These are the ones that truly baffle me. "I like Red", "Tom Cruise is gay", "lost a little lamb?", "........"

I always read these and think to myself that I'd be an awesome Random Status Writer. I mean, really! I can give your messages as much randomness as you want. How's this -  "Tall and short" or "Go"... you see what I mean ?? 

Alright, I've got to go think of some status message to put up tomorrow. Yeah well I'm a little slow, and I need about 18 hours (including sleep time) to come up with one. In the mean time, why don't you just click that "Like" button , or LYAO or ROTFL?